This Isn't What I wanted
by Miamislovex
Summary: Amanda Joy Michalka, a young girl stunned with horrifying news.


"AJ, WAKE UP, THIS IS SOCIAL STUDDIES CLASS NOT SLEEP ALL DAY CLASS" Said Mr. Kino.

I lifted up my head a mumbled something I even couldn't even understand. All my strength was sucked out of me as I tried to turn my book page. I needed to call my mom. As I raised my hand I blurted out, "Mr. Kino, I need to call home"

"Why Ms. Aj."

"I feel sick"

"Yes, yes carry on"

I said thanks as I walked out the door. When I was walking down the halls I called my mom.

"Mom hurry, I need to be taken to the Hospital"

"Alright I'll leave right now!"

I hung up my phone, packed it away in my purse. I tried to bend down to sit but I just couldn't do it. I was terrified it was like something took any strength that I had. I barely could breathe. I was falling apart on the inside. I put on a straight face and walked down the hallway out the front door and sat on the curb, trying to hold my screams of pain in. I saw my mom's car drive into the parking lot. It took every drop of strength to stand up and walk. My ankles rolled a couple times, my knees were shaking. I didn't want to look at my mom; I knew she could see right through me. I was never the one to show my pain. I always wanted to put on a tough face and just stick it out. I knew my limits, and I knew that if I went on through school I would pass out. I saw a glimpse of my mom's face in the car; I hurt me how worried I made her look. She also knew my limits, maybe even better than me. She kept looking over at me making sure I would make the car trip.

We made it to the hospital, they had to put me in a wheel chair I was so weak. I hate this kind of attention. Its part of my anxiety, I hate any kind of attention. It doesn't matter who it's from. I was very good at hiding this little flaw out of all the others. My mom knew this would be hard for me, she knew me better than I knew myself. My mom was more of a best friend than a mom. A respected best friend, not those ones you talk about behind their back, and do the same to you. I knew she would always be there she's my rock, I would be lost without her, and she would be lost without me. I was sure of it.

After all of these test that were ran I was told I had a brain tumor the size of a grape. They also said it would only get bigger in time, and it contained cancer. My jaw dropped, my mom's jaw dropped. This was too much for a 13 year old girl. The worst news out of all of it was I only have 3 years to live. There was also a chance the treatments and surgeries could kill me before the cancer does. I just wanted the Doctor to say "Just kidding, your fine kid". He never did. He just walked out. How could this happen to me. I ran out of the room to the bathroom and fell on the ground crying. My life was over. I could never live out my dreams. I would be dead before college.

I cleaned my eye makeup up, put on my brave face and walked out of the bathroom. I tried to look not phased, but I'm sure you could tell I was breaking down on the inside; I just couldn't deal with this.

"Mom let's go please."

I sat in the car waiting for my mom to get me signed out and my daily medicine. I put my headphones to my iPod and went into deep thought. My mom came in and slammed the door, turned on the car and drove away. I took my medicine; my mom told me what will go on for the next few months. All I heard was surgery and Chemotherapy. At this point I gave up the act and let the pain out. I just couldn't take this beating in my head or the news. Why would I, Aj a small girl from California have this? It hit me like a bullet in my heart. My mom's face was blank, that hurt me the most. How would she function if I left? How would I make it in heaven without her help? She would be lost, so would I. At first I didn't want to fight for my life. Now that I thought of my mom, I'm putting up the biggest fight possible and pushing those 3 years. I will defeat this. Maybe win the whole fight; maybe just win an extra year of my mother's love. Then after that, when I'm in Heaven I can look down on her and be there every day, right beside her, helping her with her choices.

When I made it home, my mom told me another bit of bad news. I couldn't go back to school, or even leave my house without my mom. My friends would have to come here, or my mom would have to come with me. I felt trapped. I ran to my room and lay on my bed and cried, for hours this went on. I looked over at my picture frame on the night stand. It was a picture of my dad. I've never met him in my life; he was shipped to Iraq 1 week before I was born. My mom told me he is a great man and things like that. Yesterday we got a call that he was shot and in critical condition. My life was definitely crashing down. He could pass away any minute and I could seizure any minute and I had to be under strict watch. I also have a sister, her name is Aly, and she lives with us, but is always out. She's always getting herself into trouble. Sometimes I don't even know how we came from the same family.

After all of this thinking and depressing day that went on, I put my headphones on, turned on Stay by Miley Cyrus and fell asleep. When I woke up, I woke up to all my friends. They were all crying; at that minute is when I had my first anxiety attack in a while. I didn't realize it, but I started crying too. I couldn't stop, knowing they knew and they would be different towards me, knowing the whole school would know. Not that I'm going back, I'm being home schooled from now on. I'll miss my friends; nothing will ever be the same with them. They know I'll be gone in a few years.

After my friends left I was aware I had to pack up for my next trip to the hospital, my first surgery. The milestone to tell if I'll be ok. Or if this whole thing won't blow over, and that those 3 years are for real. That I will end up dying. My life is in this surgeon's hands. I'm dying and he can save me if he tries. He is what I've been hoping for, a miracle. This surgery will take place in Colorado; my mom says there are many specialists there that are bound to be able to help me. I wish this wasn't real; it's making my anxiety worse know I may die at any minute.

It's the week after my first Chemo session. I can barely walk, or even lift my head. I'm losing more and more hair by the minute. I stumble every time I walk; my heart rate is slowing sown rapidly. What I call this no strength battle; is me losing. I have no faith in myself at this point, I know if I have this train of thought I'll be gone by next month. I'm trying to get every bit of my mom's attention, and she's giving me all the attention she can. She had to quit her job to watch over me. We are losing our house more and more every day. By now the cancer has taken over me, the first surgery didn't get it all out. The cancer spread to my Lungs, Spine, and my Kidney. The doctors don't know how many procedures this will take, or how many I can take. Since my Chemo strains my muscles they may be too weak to heal right. Because of this my life span has been shorten down to 1 year. I'll be 14 when I die, I will be sent up above, just a young 14 year old girl.

Here I am, stuck in the hospital all the time. I don't get out of these four walls; I'm stuck with nowhere to go. My friends can't see me because I'm so sick, worst of all; my mom only gets to visit now. She went back to work, we are stable again, but I can see my mom is full of worry in her eyes. The doctors say I have about 3 days if I don't get more strength. (Great I will die on my birthday.) The nurse says I may not even have that many. I could die tonight; I'm feeling like my time is tonight. I'm giving up the fight; I don't want to suffer any more. I'll see my family again one day. Most of all I will meet my dad; he died after my first Chemo session. My family didn't want to tell me after my Chemo because it would make me weaker.


End file.
